Smell of love

Dear Rough Ride,

From the first time I met you; steel boots, khaki pants and a stripped muscle-shirt, I knew it was going to be one bumpy ride. I would lie if I said I dint love your eyes and that deep voice.  You made me a wrecking ball at full speed. I was already hooked. I still remember the random things we talked about, from politics all the way to the weather. For a moment it dint feel like an interrogation like most first dates.

However, I could note how careful you were with your words; you were hiding something from me. I want to build a relationship based on trust and honesty but in some way you couldn’t let me. I could see in your eyes as you said and thought of how low and sub-standard I was for you. I have so much to worry about and this is not going to be one of them. I’ve been through that road and am not going to take it one more time, not in a billion years.

I’m just a simple girl, full of my own insecurities. I have more problems than solutions. I have lived, loved, lost and learnt. I can’t love someone else. Yes, I first must learn to love and appreciate myself then someone else can come into the picture. But that is beside the fact that you tagged along with you so much drama, I wouldn’t want to be part of. I want to start all over again but not in that way. I’d pass for being too desperate.

I could see you didn’t want to associate in broad daylight with me, you denied my existence but I can’t blame you; I don’t dress like city girls the way you like, I don’t come from an affluent family and a Luhya accent is so pronounced in my speech, but I’m just me. The perks of life are all so different and difficult to understand. All this and much more broke my heart and I have been hitting the punching bag way beyond my capacity and now am bleeding. They say physical pain replaces emotional pain. That’s pure bullshit. I fell both, all so raw and define.

That day I wasn’t strong enough, so I let myself get overpowered by overflowing emotions. I can without doubt report that that was lust and not love. We were to catch a movie but ended in one ourselves. I can’t feel the resonance in spirit between both of us, no attachment. It was just a fling. It soon died and faded the same way it came. I would wish to erase all the happenings but now that I can’t, I pray that my subjects don’t have to follow the path I took. I want to curse the day I met you, I want to forget everything, but I just can’t. If I could change something then this would be it.

I loved you with every piece of me and that’s why it feels emptier than ever before. Meanwhile, I feel as useless as a white crayon; I hope I find someone who prefers black paper. I pray you find what you are looking for too.  So I’ll just leave it here and mind my own business. My bird is stuck somewhere in the storm and will soon come home to roost. It’s sad that my kind have to live a painful dreary life, but I’ll just accept and move on.

Time is the only way that makes us strong, it’s the only thing that will transform us into the people we want to be. I hope you find the time to heal. If you are reading this then it’s not too late.

My life was going on so well until you showed up and the grave closed down.

Signed: Yours Trully