Just Rants

So that day you gave him some cash and almost immediately work sprung up in Nairobi and he had to go. The next thing you saw, was him hanging out in KFC!!, KFC for crying out loud. Come on darling ‘broke’ people go to Altona not some fancy up market eatery. Oh wait, point of correction, broke people go to mama Atieno’s food kiosk, Altona is way too expensive. The worst part of it is when he came back narrating to you how his date with that other girl went. Coming to think of it, has he even taken you on an actual date?

Has he ever asked you how your day was? Can he even call? Or what he does is just send you some “please call me’s” and you smile sheepishly as you dial his number. Does he know your middle name, your fears, your strengths, weaknesses, ambitions and what note? Is he aware that cancer scared you out of your skin last month? Has he seen the pain in your eyes the past few days or what he does is just drown you  in himself, himself and more of himself? Is he even your friend in the first place? Just because he manages to steal some ‘babe “this “babe “that doesn’t mean anything to him. It’s just a word anyway.

He has no respect for you in the sense that he picks phone calls, answers text messages and visits social sites when you are around him. He does so without excusing himself; the last time I checked, phones were meant for our convenience not the person on the other end, unless you were a Gyna or a fire man. Which, clearly he is not. So you think he’ll fall for you just because you bail him out. Mmmhh Babe, it doesn’t work like that. Just because you take his shit, doesn’t mean he will do the same for you sweetheart. He will just suck the life out of you.

His talk is all so mixed up. This guy is a scum.  He is not so straight with you.  Today he says he wants to get ‘serious’ with you and the next day he says the only thing he wants is a fuck mate; little girl , have you been reduced to that? (The way I know you, I know it hurt so bad; He threw daggers at you but somehow you still entertain him.) You claim to cling on him because you think he has gorgeous eyes and a cute smile, but I know it’s because you are afraid of losing him and going back to the drawing board means that you have to start another perilous journey towards this thing called ‘love’. I don’t understand how your heart works jeez.

For a while you dint considered yourself worthy, then he came in and showed interest somehow. You are afraid of being left alone, but if you ask me, you are dating yourself. So accept and move on sweety. Ooh, need I remind you how you spent the last 20 something years just to find yourself? don’t waste any more time just to learn to understand and accommodate anyone else. The past few months have seen you change for him, you have been playing different roles and lost yourself in the process.( I don’t understand you anymore.) Do you have to lose your mind –again so you can find yourself?

Don’t close your heart too soon too. God is testing your patience, after all he doesn’t give us more than we can handle; he knows you are up to the challenge. But if you ask me sweetheart, just move one. Something’s are just not worth the wait. The world is a big place, you will just find another homo sapien who will love and treat you as per your worth.

Ooh, before I forget, Yester night I saw him with another girl, they were all over the place.  He told you he would be working late, dint he? Ooh and he had all this cash and was making it rain. Did he also tell you he was broke and asked for some kind of soft loan? Now you know darling. He has dragged you into the mud but you still can’t see it. Wake up and smell the coffee.

But, don’t you worry darling. He will re-live his mistakes wake up from limbo and discover that he lost a gem while scratching garbage.

Go where you are celebrated not tolerated

Smell of love

Dear Rough Ride,

From the first time I met you; steel boots, khaki pants and a stripped muscle-shirt, I knew it was going to be one bumpy ride. I would lie if I said I dint love your eyes and that deep voice.  You made me a wrecking ball at full speed. I was already hooked. I still remember the random things we talked about, from politics all the way to the weather. For a moment it dint feel like an interrogation like most first dates.

However, I could note how careful you were with your words; you were hiding something from me. I want to build a relationship based on trust and honesty but in some way you couldn’t let me. I could see in your eyes as you said and thought of how low and sub-standard I was for you. I have so much to worry about and this is not going to be one of them. I’ve been through that road and am not going to take it one more time, not in a billion years.

I’m just a simple girl, full of my own insecurities. I have more problems than solutions. I have lived, loved, lost and learnt. I can’t love someone else. Yes, I first must learn to love and appreciate myself then someone else can come into the picture. But that is beside the fact that you tagged along with you so much drama, I wouldn’t want to be part of. I want to start all over again but not in that way. I’d pass for being too desperate.

I could see you didn’t want to associate in broad daylight with me, you denied my existence but I can’t blame you; I don’t dress like city girls the way you like, I don’t come from an affluent family and a Luhya accent is so pronounced in my speech, but I’m just me. The perks of life are all so different and difficult to understand. All this and much more broke my heart and I have been hitting the punching bag way beyond my capacity and now am bleeding. They say physical pain replaces emotional pain. That’s pure bullshit. I fell both, all so raw and define.

That day I wasn’t strong enough, so I let myself get overpowered by overflowing emotions. I can without doubt report that that was lust and not love. We were to catch a movie but ended in one ourselves. I can’t feel the resonance in spirit between both of us, no attachment. It was just a fling. It soon died and faded the same way it came. I would wish to erase all the happenings but now that I can’t, I pray that my subjects don’t have to follow the path I took. I want to curse the day I met you, I want to forget everything, but I just can’t. If I could change something then this would be it.

I loved you with every piece of me and that’s why it feels emptier than ever before. Meanwhile, I feel as useless as a white crayon; I hope I find someone who prefers black paper. I pray you find what you are looking for too.  So I’ll just leave it here and mind my own business. My bird is stuck somewhere in the storm and will soon come home to roost. It’s sad that my kind have to live a painful dreary life, but I’ll just accept and move on.

Time is the only way that makes us strong, it’s the only thing that will transform us into the people we want to be. I hope you find the time to heal. If you are reading this then it’s not too late.

My life was going on so well until you showed up and the grave closed down.

Signed: Yours Trully